A girlfriend poked me on facebook today and asked the burning question that all new mother's to-be ask. Daunted and perplexed as they walk into the baby shop, it's always the same - "what in the hell do I register for?"
I'll never forget my first trip into that dark place. I invited my mother and sister to town, already mother's themselves, to guide me through this dark maze. All the "must haves" and "essentials," the cart filled as my brain emptied. And $200+ later, I was clearly prepared to take on the thing that knew nothing, the little monster who'd never seen a diaper, a diaper bag, a baby swing or a bouncy chair. I was prepared because I had stuff. And stuff prepares you for any emergency. Ha cha cha, you're a mom and you have tons of shit! It's all you, girl. You're locked and loaded.
And then it comes. And you go a little crazy. And you realize the stuff isn't helping. The stuff isn't stopping the crying. The stuff doesn't protect the shit from leaking out the diaper. The stuff doesn't magically put the little bugger to bed. Even worse, you've got so much stuff that as you're sleepily stumbling your way to find the little monster in the wee hours of the morning you trip over the stuff, which you clumsily dropped on your way back to bed. The stuff is your enemy. The stuff doesn't work. You worshipped the golden calf and now, like the ten commandments thrown in your face, it hits you that you're on your own to figure it out.
When it comes to new babies, someone else's stuff is meaningless
"Buy a pump, get the expensive one, you won't regret..."
The Captain didn't make it 4 days on the breast and that very expensive pump spent the next 5 weeks attached to my very sore breast, only to be cast aside.
"Swaddling works like a charm, it will settle him right down. You must get a swaddler..."
The Captain was miserable when swaddled and the only thing that got him to sleep was when he wasn't snug as a bug.
The list goes on. And I'm not saying' it's all useless advice, it's just that none of it prepares you for anything and the investments you'll make, looking for that golden nugget, that miracle that will shut your baby the hell up...it only exists in hindsight.
And so what's MY list of musts? The Mediocre Mama's golden nugget? I could lead new mother's down my own path of comforts and enumerate the things that worked for the Captain, but if my tips work as well as some of the advice I received when expecting, then I'd sooner hold my tongue. Therefore, I guess all I can offer is the practical and not the cure:
Bibs, and lots of them.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Politically not correct.
I, along with the rest of America it seems, have had one lady on my mind for the last week. As a self-proclaimed "average hockey mom," it would seem that Ms. Palin would be perfect fodder for this blog. And seeing as how my blog is about mothering (mediocre at that) and not politics, it seems to me that there is no better place to discuss an average hockey mom. So anyone tempted to call me out for being anti-republican or sexist for sorting this out here, bugger off. Yes, let's note it now. I'm not talking about Obama, Biden or McCain. Why not? Because none of them are placing their credentials on their ability to parent. They just do it, like the rest of us, and don't seem to have the delusion that doing so somehow makes them Presidential. You know who the author is and why you read her ponderings. So let's just roll up our sleeves, sit back and enjoy the musings. It's my blog so if you don't like it, take your ball and go home.
At the core of Ms. Palin's spin is the notion that she's just like me. Just an average mom. A PTA mom who shoots caribou. To speak plainly? The anti-Mediocre Mama.
If Ms. Palin were like me she'd hate hockey and dread the wasted days at soccer games that are to come. If Ms. Palin were like me she wouldn't have mustered up the courage to have 2 kids, let alone 5. If Ms. Palin were like me she would have ruffled the feathers of a few PTA members a mere 2 weeks into the start of school. She wouldn't have time to even go to PTA meetings because she'd be too busy at work, trying to squeeze in time to actually play with the 1 kid she has, and riffling through the freezer for leftovers to find something decent to put in front of that kid to eat.
If Ms. Palin were like me she would have taught her daughter about condoms, how they protect against pregnancy and STD's. She'd have taken her to the gynecologist, no questions asked, to get her birth control if she asked for it. You question that I would do that for my daughter? I learned it by watching my mother; she must have been a mediocre mama, too.
She'd have shown her daughter stretch marks and told her about the hemorrhoids associated with pregnancy, not to mention the gas, bloating and six months without sex (now that's abstinence). She'd have awakened her daughter every hour-and-a-half an kept her awake for the next hour and then sent her to school the following morning to spend a full day awake, you know...just to get the message across. She'd show have shown her that there are options and what a great country we live in that we have such freedom. She'd have shown her how shitty a 9 month pregnant girl would look in a cheerleader's outfit.
If Ms. Palin were like me, when her daughter announced her pregnancy, she might have laid low. If offered a highly visible job she might have waited, figuring that she's only 44 and such offers might come again in the future. And no, she would not have turned down the nomination out of her own embarrassment about her daughter, but because she'd have been too worried about how the press might embarrass her daughter.
But Ms. Palin is not like me. Let's face it, she's just not a Mediocre Mama. She's a hockey mom, and can obviously stomach sitting through an entire match. Not only does she not ruffle feathers at the PTA, she's the PTA President. She doesn't have just 1 child, she has 5, one of them with special needs. She's not only against sex-education, she believes that teaching abstinence leads to fewer pregnancies and is against a woman's right to choose. And to boot, Ms. Palin is a strong disciplinarian. What kind of a mediocre mama could have come up with a punishment as good as parading her pregnant teenage daughter before the world stage to be blogged about by assholes such as myself?
No, Ms. Palin is not like me. And perhaps that's why I can't relate to her.
Ms. Palin is no Mediocre Mama, to be sure. But given my contempt and disdain for Momtourage Moms she was never likely to capture my vote. So she shouldn't feel bad. I wouldn't vote for any of those bitches either.
At the core of Ms. Palin's spin is the notion that she's just like me. Just an average mom. A PTA mom who shoots caribou. To speak plainly? The anti-Mediocre Mama.
If Ms. Palin were like me she'd hate hockey and dread the wasted days at soccer games that are to come. If Ms. Palin were like me she wouldn't have mustered up the courage to have 2 kids, let alone 5. If Ms. Palin were like me she would have ruffled the feathers of a few PTA members a mere 2 weeks into the start of school. She wouldn't have time to even go to PTA meetings because she'd be too busy at work, trying to squeeze in time to actually play with the 1 kid she has, and riffling through the freezer for leftovers to find something decent to put in front of that kid to eat.
If Ms. Palin were like me she would have taught her daughter about condoms, how they protect against pregnancy and STD's. She'd have taken her to the gynecologist, no questions asked, to get her birth control if she asked for it. You question that I would do that for my daughter? I learned it by watching my mother; she must have been a mediocre mama, too.
She'd have shown her daughter stretch marks and told her about the hemorrhoids associated with pregnancy, not to mention the gas, bloating and six months without sex (now that's abstinence). She'd have awakened her daughter every hour-and-a-half an kept her awake for the next hour and then sent her to school the following morning to spend a full day awake, you know...just to get the message across. She'd show have shown her that there are options and what a great country we live in that we have such freedom. She'd have shown her how shitty a 9 month pregnant girl would look in a cheerleader's outfit.
If Ms. Palin were like me, when her daughter announced her pregnancy, she might have laid low. If offered a highly visible job she might have waited, figuring that she's only 44 and such offers might come again in the future. And no, she would not have turned down the nomination out of her own embarrassment about her daughter, but because she'd have been too worried about how the press might embarrass her daughter.
But Ms. Palin is not like me. Let's face it, she's just not a Mediocre Mama. She's a hockey mom, and can obviously stomach sitting through an entire match. Not only does she not ruffle feathers at the PTA, she's the PTA President. She doesn't have just 1 child, she has 5, one of them with special needs. She's not only against sex-education, she believes that teaching abstinence leads to fewer pregnancies and is against a woman's right to choose. And to boot, Ms. Palin is a strong disciplinarian. What kind of a mediocre mama could have come up with a punishment as good as parading her pregnant teenage daughter before the world stage to be blogged about by assholes such as myself?
No, Ms. Palin is not like me. And perhaps that's why I can't relate to her.
Ms. Palin is no Mediocre Mama, to be sure. But given my contempt and disdain for Momtourage Moms she was never likely to capture my vote. So she shouldn't feel bad. I wouldn't vote for any of those bitches either.
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