When one baby eats another...

The result? Mom births her 12th baby — 17-pound Nadia.

Punk rock.

It's always an endearing moment the first time your child paints his hair purple. But today I think Captain Kid completely revolutionized the hair tinting industry. Teacher was both amused and shaking her head today when she described the events that led to his foray into punk rock. She documented his technique as such:

1. Start by painting a picture.
2. Get bored of painting picture and look around for something more interesting to paint.
3. Spot hairbrush and remove from hairbrush bin.
4. Paint hairbrush bristles.
5. Get bored of painting and decide instead to brush hair with aforementioned hairbrush.
6. Rinse.
7. Repeat.

Now after reading this, don't you feel stupid spending hundreds of dollars on expensive highlights?

When I grow up...

Remember when you were a little kid and they used to ask you what you wanted to be when you were a grown up? Think back...you're small, maybe drawing with some crayons, eating some paste...that's it, you remember. And so all my dreams came true this week. Yes, folks, it's true. I'm going to be a Land Use and Zoning Manager focusing on Wireless Telecom.

Okay okay, not quite as simple as a childhood dream, but it is actually a lawyers dream and an interesting job to boot with many many of the perks that we lawyers like (translation - no billable hours). I'm pretty excited and I start mid-October, which means the drag race to find a nanny begins. And then, of course, the next phase...how to be a Mediocre Working Mama.

This is going to be a major. Not only will this be a serious job with often serious hours, I'm going to be a good 30 miles from home, which means I will be assuming the role of Beta Parent and Deviant Dad will be the Alpha. It is more than for the best, and a much more comfortable lifestyle for sure, but I don't doubt the posts that are to come and the difficult adjustment we are certain to weather. In many ways, it will be harder for me and than it will be for him.

Though I often pick on the hard stuff, I must boast for a moment about the Captain's ability to adapt to any situation that we've thrown him. Maybe it's because we've thrown him so many curve balls (travel, living abroad, school, new homes and beds, different foods) that he's been so capable of dealing with change. Or maybe it's that he's 2 and hasn't quite the attention span or ability to focus on the past like we do. I suppose we'll find out soon.

I know, I shouldn't go sappy with this post because I really do neurotic and self-deprecating much better. But if I said I wouldn't miss him it would be a lie. And if I said I wasn't relieved it would be a lie, too. To be sure, it's all been a journey; the next journey is to find myself again. If you've seen her, please forward her to Mediocremama.blogspot.com. We offer COD but the sender assumes the responsibility for damage.

Shopping Fart

I have come to understand why so many parents leave their kids in the car in the sweltering heat and get turned in to child services for all manner of similar behavior. It's because the fucking shopping cart gestapo is out there and they are scary.

Today I was assaulted by one such member of the third Reich. To protect his true identity I will call him "rich-fat-ass-with-no-kids-too-much-time-on-his-hands-and-a-small-penis-which-is-clearly-the-reason-he-doesn't-understand-the-plight-of-a-mediocre-mama-because-he's-never-had-a-baby-or-quite-possibly-he's-a-eunuch." For short, I'll call him Euni. I digress.

I'm shopping at the local market with the Captain, loading my cart up with sushi and all manner of expensive goods because I finally got a job offer (more on that later). I'm feeling pretty good about myself, even bought environmentally conscious shopping bags to boot, but my bad back has been pretty horrible lately and I'm willing to take as many shortcuts as possible when it comes to carrying things. Anyways, my parking spot is in a land far far away and naturally I have to roll the tiny tot and groceries to the car. With no cart returns in the lot, I do the only thing possible and roll the cart between the spots, up towards the top so no one will have trouble getting in or out. I get in the car and quick as a whip, Euni starts shouting at me. At first I thought it was German, but no, it was my native tongue and he offered this scathing review:

Euni - You're too lazy to return your cart.

Me (stepping out of my car to see if he wants a piece of this) - Excuse me? I have a baby in the car.

Euni - You're irresponsible, blocking car spots, and too lazy to return your cart.

Now, I'm blinded with confusion because I thought the baby in the car was a pretty good rationale, not to mention that if he weren't yelling at me to return my cart someone else would have turned me in to child authorities for leaving my kid in the car by himself on a warm day, no less.

Me - Well, I'll tell you what, I'll pay you $.25 and you can babysit my kid WHILE I RETURN YOUR GODDAMN SHOPPING CART! No emphasis added, I assure you.

Many heads turn and now I AM being irresponsible because I for sure am driving angry.

Will someone please tell me what the point of striving to be a little less mediocre as a mama when Euni is going to shout me down for it? Did I do something incorrect? And if he was so civic minded and worried about the spot I was blocking, wouldn't he have just offered to return the cart for me?

Cobwebs and dust bunnies.

If you've noticed them on my blog, you wouldn't be alone. I thought I'd be a blogaholic when the Captain went to school, but it turns out not so much. There are many reasons, most of them psychological and all of them having to do with my job search. But the time has come to clear out the tumbleweeds and getting back to what I do best...productive procrastination.

Anyhoo, let me just enlighten my faithful reader(s) as to the recent developments of my life:

1. I interviewed for a great job, was told I was going to be offered it, and still after 4 weeks am being hung out to wait (at this time I suspect I'm waiting to be told it's not going to happen) and that is what I do, like a loser, by the phone, waiting like a girl waiting to be called for a 2nd date;
2. Captain Kid is loving school and keeping his teacher busy. Montessori has given him manners and he now clears the table and throws out trash. They have not yet cured him of his habit of torturing Dog, but he can put together a lovely floral arrangement for her to say he's sorry;
3. Deviant Dad turned 32 yesterday so I can now breath easy for the next 9 months and don't have to listen to his stupid jokes about me being "old;" and
4. The Captain has been through 2 head colds, as have we, and I've been nursing a sinus infection for the last week-and-a-half.

So in the net, not all that much has happened in the last month, yet I don't even know where the time has gone. The Captain turns 2 in just a couple of weeks and we are busily planning his birthday party, to be held at the casa de grandparent in a couple of weeks. And as for me, I'm back to square one on my job hunt, which is depressing the hell out of me, expanding my waist line, and emptying my wallet. I think what kills me most is that I dropped $85 on a pair of victory shoes when I thought I had a job. I'm all dressed up with nowhere to go.

But alas, this is not all why I decided to blog again. I decided to blog because of yet another less than mediocre mama out there that's making me look bad. I refer to This Blog, which details one woman's journey of homemade gourmet lunch boxes. She (a) makes it look easy, (b) makes it look delicious, and (c) made me feel really bad as I let the Captain munch on cheerios and an ego waffle at lunch time. Take your time and look through, but don't do it on an empty stomach.

Sigh. Thank god Britney's out there to make me feel better all the time. If I don't say it enough, I heart Britney!