Important mediocre parenting tip.

Alright, repeat after me. Even if you sometimes have the urge to put your child for sale on eBay, actually doing it is probably a bad idea and definitely a good way to get some unwanted attention.

And I thought I had problems...

Oh, the joys of triplets...

Private parts.

I've never been very squeamish when it comes to horror films. I'll admit it, I do get a certain delight to watch a Zombie munch on the living in any and all "Night of the Living Dead" films and for sure, I dig the pea soup scene in "The Exorcist."

It's real life that gores me out. Which is why it was a bit of a shocker this morning when my friend, I'll call him "Bobert," e-mailed me photos of his newborn...and the placenta...and the detached umbilical cord. Actually, to be fair, the placenta was jiggling around in a bowl like jello and the umbilical cord was laid out on a tray, vaguely reminiscent of my 7th grade worm dissection project. I shrieked, just as I did in the 7th grade, and closed the photos.

Am I such a pansy that I can't take that before drinking my coffee?

When I was giving birth I was delighted that I had a big belly blocking the view. After the first push the doctor asked me if I'd like a mirror so that I could see.

No. I'm good.

After the third push when the head was coming out she asked if I'd like to reach down and feel it.

No. I'm good.

In fact, if I had my druthers NO ONE would have seen that. I, in fact, have marveled with a girlfriend that our husband's actually want to "go there" now that they've seen that. I suppose I feel lucky that the Dad's still interested after seeing my bits and pieces in such a state. Especially after his squeamish reaction when they asked if he'd like to cut the cord:

Ummm. Cutting is for doctors.

Of course, some readers may think I'm a bit prudish and that it's all natural, animals eat their baby's placenta, in some cultures humans eat the placenta, blah blah blah. Alright. I'll give you that. But it taint my thang.

But if it's your thang, maybe this link will satisfy your appetite. For your entertainment, Tom Cruise' Placenta Eating Guide...

Those were the days.

"ABCD Cookie Monster"

Remember when it was hip? Check out this New York Times article for more fabulous memories. We were so badass.

When one baby eats another...

The result? Mom births her 12th baby — 17-pound Nadia.

McShit

A couple of articles I read today reminded me of how powerful marketing can be and why I got the hell out of that line of business so that I could become a lawyer and have influence on...no one. Oops, sorry, that's why I became a Mediocre Mama.

It turns that not only do those McDonald's trans fatty acids make the food taste oh so good, the paper does too. Or at least that's according to the average toddler. If I am reading this article correctly, even vegetables taste better if there's a golden arch around it. It got me and the Dad thinking that as soon as the Captain becomes aware of McDonald's, I'm going to go get myself a big stack of McDonald's wrappers. As for McDonald's reaction to the study? Well, they claim that they are going to be improving marketing to children under 12, only promoting Happy Meals with fruit. Seems like it's hardly charitable, but considering some of their older marketing techniques, I suppose it's an improvement...




And in another shocking revelation, the Baby Einstein videos, the most irritating videos on the market, which from my understanding of the title are supposed to have your kid figuring out the theory of relativity by the time they are 18 months, actually make your kid dumber. I have long suspected this but lacked the data or patience to sit my kid in front of these videos to test the theory (hey, it's all in the name of science). I am, however, contemplating launching my own study...is there a correlation between how irritating a video is and your kid's stupidity? I submit, for your contemplation, that the generation I babysat for, that grew up on Barney and The Power Rangers, seems to have produced a slew of Einsteins. You know, like Lindsay Lohan and the Olsen twins.

Every sperm is sacred, every sperm is good.

"I'm not getting shot out of that thing. What if he's masturbating?

I'm liable to end up on the ceiling."

Someone please tell me why I can't handle my 1 kid and this saucy bitch is so happy about pushing #17 out of her cooter that she just can't wait to have another? And for that matter, what would a cooter look like after 17 goes?

Hey, to each their own, but it did make me curious about what sort of people want that many kids. I didn't have to look far, as there was a nice little article on the wikipedia. All of which pointed me to the source of some of their beliefs, Quiverfull. So according to this movement, even the rhythm method is a sin. Holy shit.

But is it wrong that the most fascinating part about this couple is that all 17 of their kids have names that start with J? My personal favorite? Jinger.

And in another state, another mother lets her 2 year old daughter munch on some LSD coated Sweet Tarts. Other than the fact that I'm having a horrible craving for Sweet Tarts now, I have decided to give her my 2nd MEMO award, for maintaining her cool and bringing her kid to the hospital, even while on an LSD trip of her own. Kudos, Mama!

Packing heat.

Yes, we're packing and yes, it's hot, hence the title of an otherwise incoherent post. It's 1:15 am, the Captain's snoozing away in his travel crib, the Dad is packing like a fiend (last minute, naturally), and yours truly is backing up computers...do you know where your children are? So since I lose my Internet connection tomorrow and will likely only have sporadic coverage at best over the next 3 weeks, I want to get in some last licks as a just in case.

On moving. CK came to the realization that "something's up" today when he saw his crib disassembled and most of his toys packed up. In our defense, we have been doing this slowly...a couple more toys each day. But he's been as oblivious to the missing toys as he is to the missing Dog. So it was a bit of a shock when he had a "wait a moment" moment earlier this evening. I took him downstairs to shield him from the trauma, but he pretty much was flipping out and attempted to jump into the pool. He chilled out eventually and seemed amused by the flying nuts and bolts.

On Father's Day. I really should do a much bigger tribute here, but I'm tired and punchy, and have boxes all over the place. So I leave you with this amusing article sent by a half-crazed friend who is studying for the bar exam. It probably helps with your enjoyment to have this bit of information. .

On lead paint. Is it wrong that I find this whole Thomas Train recall so darn amusing? Probably because I don't own any. And don't get me wrong, I have many less than mediocre friends and relatives furiously going through their collections as I type this. But what I find to be such a kicker is that for such an insanely expensive item like Thomas trains they are (a) being produced in China and (b) covered in lead paint. I would kill to know the markup on this junk.

On other crap. I am sure that I will find a minute or two to ramble on some more tomorrow, but it's looking a bit grim. I'm not sure how all my readers will survive without my mediocrity (or at least sporadic slices of it) for the coming weeks, but if it helps you fill the time, I recommend taking up some mediocre activities of your own. Here are some suggestions, but this is by no means an exhaustive list. Feel free to post if you can think of some more, but please keep it absolutely half-assed:

1. Needlepoint;


2. Paint by numbers;


3. Watch seasons 1-8 of Charmed (pretty much what I did my first 6 months here);


4. Read The Bridges of Madison County;


5. Go see an Andrew Lloyd Webber tribute concert;


6. Eat at an Applebees;


7. Attend a Natalie Merchant concert;


8. Sort through, and watch, your VHS tapes;


9. Watch the Higglytown Heroes; or, if you're really feeling saucy


10. Start a crappy blog of your own.

Hopefully, one more blog tomorrow. But if not, have a mediocre Father's Day.

More good readin'.

This is one the Dad pulled out this morning on the effects of praising effort rather than ability in children, among other things. It's from New York Magazine - "How Not to Talk to Your Kids." I started practicing with the Captain:

Captain, good effort stacking those blocks.

Good try using the fork, I'm sure you'll soon be able to stop poking yourself in the eye.

Nice attempt at stealing my bracelet. Better luck next time, ya little bugger.

This one's an article on too much television - "TV or not TV." Of course, this article doesn't account for when your dinner table is in your TV room and the little brat knows how to turn on and off the TV, which means he's constantly hopping off his chair and turning it on during meal time and will obsess over it if you say, unplug the fucking thing altogether.

Kindergarten Cops.

This is a fascinating and well written article from The Times Magazine called "When should a kid start kindergarten?" I found it particularly of interest because Captain Kid has an October birthday and this is definitely a question we will have to ask in just a few years.

A few items of note:

• I was really fascinated, though not surprised, by the long term effects of high stakes testing on this issue. This is an area of public policy that I studied in the high school arena during my scholarly law school years; it's interesting to note the trickle down effect;
• I'm glad that the author addressed the economic disparity issue. It does seem that so-called redshirting is much more a privilege of the wealthy; and
• I can only hope that Maryland does in fact change their laws by the time the Captain is 4, because I certainly will have a hard time swallowing an extra $10K in private school tuition if he is "ready" for public school kindergarten. The arguments towards the end of the article on the long range investment of that 10k are compelling, though difficult to contemplate in an immediate sense.

I'm sure some of my Montessori-lovin' peeps could have some interesting input on this issue. Long article, but well worth it.

Food for Thought.

A good article in The New York Times regarding kid's menus. Give it a read - Don't Point That Menu at my Child, Please.

Reading is fundamental.

A couple of articles that ran over the last week that are well worth checking out.

1. My sister forwarded this one from USA Today. It's about this whole "Slacker Mom" movement that I seemingly am writing about. I resent being labeled a slacker, however. I work very hard to be mediocre.

2. An important article from The New York Times on some groundbreaking research being done on the "5 second rule." I wish I had read this a few days ago because my theory is that this was the cause of the Captain's "episode" in the car the other day.

Enjoy.