HEY YOU GUYS!!!

So, I hate to get all back in my day on this blog, but I simply can’t help myself.

Back in my day, we had 6 options. It was The Electric Company, Captain Kangaroo, Mr. Rogers, Sesame Street, The Great Space Coaster, and for all my NY peeps out there, The Magic Garden on Channel 11. Yeah, you know what those hippie bitches were toking in the giggle patch. Hehe.

But now we’ve got a million and one kids channels and cartoons that we can plop our kids in front of all day long. As such, there’s a lot of crap-o-rama out there…

Oh shit, add Wonderama to that list…

Since we’re English speaking and living in Spain, I don’t mind telling you that I’m (a) not picky and (b) not often proud of my parenting picks, save the fact that I don’t let him watch Booba or Boobie or whatever the heck it is. But what the hey, I’m a Mediocre Mama.

Here is a brief list of the shows the Captain enjoys:

(a) Clifford, The Big Red Dog – a story about a big red dog that lives with two women and pretends he’s gay so that his curmudgeonly landlord won’t kick him out. I assure you, John Ritter’s finest work;

(b) Bob the Builder – hate to break it to all of you American’s, it’s a British show and y’all are watching a dubbed over version. Trust me, they’re not playing “soccer;”

(c) Miss Spider – someone please tell me why these spiders are eating blueberries instead of each other? Oh, but major props to Kristen Davis for playing Miss Spider. Love the storyline where Mr. Spider can’t get it up;

(d) Charlie and Lola – sorry, nothing negative or sarcastic to say about this one. It’s simply my favoritest and bestest cartoon in the whole wide world, ever;

(e) Los Nuevos Aventuras de Winnie the Pooh – can’t make a sarcastic comment about this one either because I have no idea what the fuck they’re saying. I do love that Rabbit is called Conejo, though, and think of him every time I see him on the menu when I order Paella Valenciano; and finally

(f) The Higglytown Heroes.

Alright, here’s my beef with The Higglytown Heroes. First a synopsis: it’s about a group of young weeble wobbles that clearly ride the little yellow school bus because they can’t seem to figure out how to do anything and are guided by the town’s only talking animal, a rabid squirrel that sounds a lot like the secretary from Ferris Beuller’s Day Off or the annoying neighbor’s mom from She’s a Small Wonder.

So, our young “heroes” go about their day, doing things like trying to buy stuff in a grocery store or wipe their asses and they can’t seem to do any of it. They declare they need the help of “someone special.” Enter the Higglytown Hero, stage right.

In a nutshell, the show is supposed to be teaching kids about civic responsibility and respect for members of the town. But the message is that the kids themselves should strive to be just like their “Higglytown Heroes,” which seems to include grocery clerks, Zamboni drivers and pizza guys.

Have I missed something? Do I want to encourage the Captain to be “just like” the pizza guy? I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty sure my pizza delivery guy is some 20-something stoner that dropped out of college and is packing heat so he can avoid the Noid.

So in my opinion, if we’re going to dredge up every moron from the town, why not make it a little more colorful and interesting? Perhaps show kids what a real town looks like?

One weeble wobble says to the other, “Mom says we’re going to be living on the street soon, but I’m scared…” Enter the Higglytown Hobo.

“My Uncle says he’s been a little tense lately” – ah look, it’s the Higglytown Hooker.

“I need to know if my weeble wobble outfit goes with my weeble wobble hat.” Here comes the Higglytown Homosexual.

“Wow, that weeble wobble won’t stop bleeding!” It’s because he’s a Higglytown Hemophiliac, stupid.

Alright, I am sure there are those out there who will think I’ve gone too far, but really. These kids are running around town taking advice from a rodent. And quite frankly, the adults seem to be taking advice from her too, which makes me think they’ve all been spending a little too much time at the Higglytown hashish den.